Ugh, Baby Showers

You’ve already heard my thoughts on pregnancy announcements here, and now I think it’s time to discuss another, somewhat related, trigger.  The dreaded baby shower.  Keep in mind, I’ve never been a huge fan of showers… but I have also not dreaded them until now.

I think some of these situations happen because we’re into the 5th month since Brady passed away.  Those peripheral people in my life have started to forget that I experienced a loss.

Yep, I knew it would happen at some point, and I’m not saying that everyone has forgotten.  However, I do notice a marked difference between the sensitivity others displayed towards me a couple of months ago, and the sensitivity that others display towards me now.

The first baby shower was one I was invited to at work last month.  That might not seem like anything crazy, but think about it.  Who in their right mind thinks that a mom who lost their son only a few months before wants to attend a baby shower?  Oh, I just would love to see someone celebrate their normal pregnancy and their baby that will live, after the exact opposite just happened to me.  I was looking for the “fuck no” response to that Outlook invite, but had to settle for “decline”.

Then, there was the baby shower for a different co-worker that sits in my area.  Of course, the host decided she wanted to set up the party surrounding my workspace.  Isn’t that what conference rooms are for?  Arriving to work to see a whole bunch of baby decor surrounding your desk is not fun.  The host later came up to me to apologize.  “Finally!”, I thought, “She must realize how awful this is making me feel!”  Nope, she wanted to apologize for not inviting me to the shower.  In awkward situations like this one, I often times just say as few words as possible and hope that the person will leave ASAP.

I’m not suggesting that one needs to walk on pins and needles around me, handle me with little kid gloves, or live in fear of offending me.  I have fairly thick skin.  I think most people understand that I will never “get over” this.  While others may forget, I never will.  I also know that most don’t understand what this feels like, and I’m grateful that they don’t.  I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.  I’m a moment away from a painful trigger at any time.  The smallest thing to you may be something that hits me hard and I have to grapple with it for days on end.

I think back to things I said or did before we lost Brady, and I cringe.  I didn’t know any better, and now I do.  I am not promising that I’ll never make another mistake and unintentionally hurt someone, but I can promise that I’ll try my very best to keep that from happening.  That’s all any of us can do.